Goodbye Until Tomorrow
by arsenicarpeggio
Summary: Inspired by "Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You" from 'The Last 5 Years'. Ernst and Hanschen reflect on bits of their relationship. Two parts; part one is fluffier, two is angstier. Hanschen/Ernst, obviously. Complete!
1. Goodbye Until Tomorrow

"Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You"

**A/N**: This is actually taken from the universe of my longer Hanschen/Ernst fic that I haven't put up yet, but this damn plot bunny kept biting me in the ass! Very drabble-y songfic, but I'll make it up eventually with Ways A Man Can Go (as the unposted fic is called). "Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You" is from 'The Last 5 Years' by Jason Robert Brown. Part two of this should be up soon and vaguely longer than this. Enjoy!

**A/N part deux: **I feel like this doesn't really work without the lyrics; is it okay since I credited JRB and did a disclaimer? If not... that's really unfortunate. =/

**Disclaimer: **Don't own 'Spring Awakening' or 'The Last 5 Years'.

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Ernst's first coherent thought is that the sun has completely set, and the moon is steadily climbing in the sky. His second thought is that Hanschen has a pleasant flush to his face; it is the first time Ernst has seen Hanschen anything less than perfectly composed. Hanschen slowly reaches his hand to Ernst's face and gently caresses his lower lip with his thumb. Ernst shudders and leans slightly into the other boy's touch.

"It's almost twilight." Hanschen says. Ernst is somewhat surprised: he doesn't know what he expected Hanschen to say, but that was not it. This must show on Ernst's face, because Hanschen speaks again. "This is what you want, isn't it?" It is just barely a question.

Ernst is reluctant to speak. His lips are swollen and the taste of Hanschen is still fresh in his mouth. He savors the taste for a moment. "Yes, yes it is." His voice is weaker than he had anticipated. He wrinkles his nose in displeasure.

Hanschen smiles at this and drops his hand to the other boy's thigh. "Good." He strokes Ernst's thigh for a moment before gazing at him again. "Meet me here tomorrow after school." He orders him, his stern words softened with a chaste kiss.

Ernst nods. "Yes, Hanschen." He replies, gathering his courage. He places a firm kiss upon Hanschen's lips, startling him momentarily before he returns it with equal passion. The two boys spend another small eternity wrapped in each others' lips before Ernst pulls away. "It's late," he gasps. "My mama will worry."

With a light sigh, Hanschen climbs to his feet. He holds out his hand, and as Ernst takes it, pulls the smaller boy to his feet. "Well then, little Ernst," he says with a smirk, "let us go home to our parents." He places a fluttery kiss on Ernst's neck before he straightens up and teasingly offers an arm to the other boy. Ernst giggles lightly and starts walking away, before Hanschen pulls him back for another kiss.

_Don't kiss me goodbye again_

_Leave this night clean and quiet_

_You want the last word_

_You want me to laugh_

_But leave it for now_

Ernst tries to memorize every detail of this moment- the curves of Hanschen's lips, the friction between both their lips, the warmth of Hanschen's chest pressed against his. He pulls away and shyly admires Hanschen in the glow of the twilight. His clothes are rumpled, his hair slightly mussed, but he still has that lovely flush and he is smiling at Ernst. He nods slightly, satisfied.

"_Guten nacht,_ Ernst." Hanschen says. Ernst only smiles.

_All you can say_

_All you can feel_

_Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss_

_Leave it at that:_

_I'll watch you turn the corner and go..._

With one last lingering look, Hanschen turns and walks down the path toward his house. Ernst watches him go, still warm from their last embrace. He slowly reaches up and traces his lips, echoing Hanschen's gesture from earlier. He begins to walk toward his own house, marveling over Hanschen. He had harbored strange feelings for the blond boy for a long time, but didn't dare say anything. He tried to not even think about Hanschen. The Bible said it was wrong, so it had to be a sin. But he only found bliss and a sense of belonging with Hanschen. He smiles. If tomorrow is anything like tonight, Ernst may burst from happiness.

_Goodbye until tomorrow_

_Goodbye till I recall how to breathe_

_And I have been waiting_

_I have been waiting for you_

Ever since he was a little boy, Ernst has dreamed of his future as a pastor. Now, he realizes suddenly, he wants more than that. He doesn't know how, but he wants to spend the rest of his life with Hanschen. He knows it's soon, he blushes, but he doesn't like any of the girls in the village as anything more than friends, and Hanschen is really the only boy who has caught his fancy.

He feels different. He's not sure how, but he feels like something inside of him has changed. He feels slightly more aware of his surroundings. The wind blows his hair in his face and, for once, he doesn't immediately push it out of his face. The air is slightly cool and crisp and leaves a pleasant taste in his mouth. He relishes this new taste for a moment before realizing that the taste of Hanschen is now gone. He is mourning the loss when he remembers that he will be meeting him again tomorrow.

_Finally yes!_

_Finally now!_

_Finally something takes me away_

_Finally free!_

_Finally he can cut through these strings_

_And open my wings!_

Ernst is still lost in thought when he reaches his front gate, candlelight glowing softly in the windows. He stares at his house for a moment, a tiny smile on his face. Ernst has a good life: his Mama and Papa love him, his family is well off and every evening, he and Anna play together by the stream. Until tonight, Ernst has been perfectly happy with his life. Tonight, however, Hanschen kissed him. And the thought of going back to before is unbearable.

Somehow, though, Ernst doesn't think that will happen. He goes inside to bed, falling asleep with a smile on his face.

_So goodbye until tomorrow!_

_Goodbye until the rest of my life_

_And I have been waiting_

_I have been waiting for you_

_Waiting for you_

_Waiting for you..._

Ernst wakes up the next morning with a smile. He can't wait for school.

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Reviews make me a happy girl!


	2. I Could Never Rescue You

**A/N:** And... here's part two. Angsty, angsty, angsty. This completes this two-shot, but like I said before, this is part of a bigger story. Awkward lyric moments are awkward and belong to JRB. Here's to hoping this gets my muse back into the groove! Review please!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own 'Spring Awakening', don't own 'The Last 5 Years', but I do own Liesl.

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**Berlin, 1939**

Hanschen stares at the dreary grey of Berlin in early spring, the monotony only broken by bright red banners with swastikas hanging from the brick buildings. The landscape, if it can even be called that, rushes by as his driver speeds through the streets towards Hanschen's home. Thunder rumbles heavily overhead; rain is threatening to pour down at any moment. He sighs: it's been a long day filled with paperwork regarding the finances of the Third Reich, more specifically, the labor and extermination camps. He has to refinance the budgets for the camps in his district: more prisoners are coming in by the thousands, and they simply don't have the funds in order to feed, clothe and pay the officers running the camps. He has been shuffling through the files for hours and simply wishes to return home to his wife. The car slows to a stop. His driver jumps out and opens his door. "Welcome home, Herr Rilow."

Hanschen nods at him, stepping out of the car and hurrying inside. His wife, perfectly coiffed and lovely, kisses him and takes his overcoat as he enters. She is the perfect embodiment of an Aryan woman: blonde, blue-eyed and obedient. "Darling," she says with a hesitant lilt to her voice, "Herr Bouhler stopped by earlier with some paperwork he needs you to sign off on." She seems to notice the sudden tension in her husband's shoulders, but she continues, hanging his coat on the rack. "He says he needs them signed and returned to the office tomorrow."

Hanschen hangs his hat and looks wearily at his wife. "Liesl, tomorrow is my day off. He is aware of that, is he not?"

"I did tell him, but he insisted that it's urgent." She studies him a moment before running a cool, soft hand over his cheek. "Look at it after dinner, Hanschen. Relax a bit, mmm?"

Dinner is a quiet affair; their children are grown and married, and so it is simply Hanschen, Liesl and their servants. After he finishes, he kisses Liesl goodnight and heads to his study, ready to settle in for a long night of examining paperwork. There are several documents listing the numbers of officers and guards at the various camps in his district, their salaries and the costs to run the outfits. He scrawls notes on several sheets before initialing the changes needed. He scans through several more sheets before coming upon a page emblazoned with the heading: "Reich Central Office for the Combating of Homosexuality and Abortion". He swallows heavily. Underneath that is printed, "Lead by Reichsleiters Bouhler and Rilow". There are several pages following this, detailing how exactly the Nazi Party is planning on (and is) combating homosexuality and abortion, but Hanschen cannot read any further. His hands are shaking. He is not homosexual. He has never been homosexual. He simply happened to fall in love with a man once upon a time. He is now married with children, so he is certainly not homosexual. He shakes his head in an effort to clear these troubling thoughts as he picks the papers back up and continues to read them.

_It is barely moments into the new century; the sky is exploding with color and light and the air around them is exploding with the laughter and yells of their friends. Ernst gazes at Hanschen, his eyes shining. "Happy 1900." He says in a low voice, reaching for Hanschen's hand and squeezing it. Hanschen returns the sentiment, slowly dragging his thumb over the other man's wrist. He watches Ernst's breath catch with a predatory smile. It no longer frightens Ernst as it once did. Hanschen himself is no longer as intimidating to Ernst as he once was. Maybe this fact prompts a sudden boost of confidence: "Come to Berlin with me."_

_ Hanschen looks at Ernst with renewed interest. "Berlin? Why?"_

_ Ernst takes a breath before continuing. "I want to spend my life with you, Hanschen. God knows we can't be together as we please here. We can go to Berlin, where no one knows us!" Hanschen is stonefaced. "I can work in a library, or be an artist or a writer or whatever I want! You can work in a bank, and we can live in a small flat, just the two of us!" His doe-like eyes are pleading._

_ "Ernst." There is an unfamiliar note in Hanschen's voice; Ernst supresses a shudder. "You realize that can never happen."_

_ "But... why?"_

_ "I am engaged to be married." The statement is so simple, but with those few words, Ernst's world collapses. So does Hanschen's. "It is to the daughter of a family friend. I do not know her and I certainly don't wish to be married to some foolish girl. It is, however, what my family expects of me, and I must honor their wishes."_

**It's not about another compromise**

**I'm not the only one who's hurting here**

**I don't know what the hell is left to do**

**You never saw how far the crack had opened**

**You never knew I had run out of rope**

_ The pain in Ernst's eyes makes Hanschen ill to his stomach, but he does not flinch, does not change expression. "But..." Ernst stammers, dropping Hanschen's hand, "what a-about... what about..." He swallows determinedly. "What about me?" He asks in a low tone._

_ This is not what Hanschen wants to be doing right now. They shouldn't be even having this conversation for several months, he simply wants to enjoy his remaining time with Ernst. He knows, however, this is no longer a possibility. "No." He replies._

_ Ernst blanches. "No." He repeats, taking a step back. "No. After nearly ten years, you're getting married, and all I get is 'No'." He searches Hanschen's face. Hanschen isn't sure what he's looking for, but makes sure Ernst does not find it. They stand silently for several minutes, staring at each other. After a small eternity, Ernst nods and slips away into the night. Hanschen feels a tear slide down his face: he lets that one fall, but swallows the others. Hanschen Rilow does not cry._

_Ernst leaves for Berlin the next day, and Hanschen expresses his desire to meet his fiancee to his parents._

Hanschen blinks. That was nearly forty years ago, and the memory is still painfully fresh in his mind. He can only assume (and hope) that Ernst found a lovely girl in Berlin and married her; perhaps he actually became a pastor like he wished long ago. When he and Liesl were still freshly married, Hanschen would wonder what would have happened if he had left with Ernst that night. Eventually, he let that dream die. His gaze falls to the paperwork in front of him: "Reich Central Office for the Combating of Homosexuality and Abortion". Well, if he had gone with Ernst, he wouldn't be dealing with this mess right now. He exhales slowly and pushes the thought of Ernst from his mind as he begins sorting through the papers. There are fifteen pages of documentation about combating homosexuality before Hanschen sees a list: "Known Homosexuals/Camp Destinations". The list is not as long as he had anticipated; only a page and a half. This means roughly 250 new additions to his district. He processes this for a moment and jots down several notes in his ledger. He sets the papers aside before several words catch his eye: "Ernst Robel, 62, Buchenwald camp".

He sits back in his chair. All he can see are the words on the page: "Ernst Robel, 62, Buchenwald camp". The words run together in front of his eyes and scream in his brain. He is suddenly on his knees on the floor, violently ill, but he barely notices. Ernst. Delicate little Ernst... in a labor camp. Hanschen himself has never set foot in one of the camps in his district, but he knows what goes on. He knows what happens. His eyes water, partially from the violence of his sickness, partially from his thoughts. He wonders, inanely, when he fell out of his chair, before a wave of sickness hits him again. Oh God... Ernst. This is his fault. Ernst is going to die, and it will be because of Hanschen. If Hanschen had just gone with him to Berlin- his brain stops him there. If he had indeed gone with Ernst to Berlin, both of them would have a death sentence. Somehow, the thought is less than comforting. Hanschen pulls himself back into his chair, ignoring his vomit on the floor, and stares at the line he is supposed to sign off on. He feels as if he himself will be signing Ernst's death warrent.

There is a knock at the door; Hanschen nearly faints. "Y-yes?" He shakily calls out.

Liesl walks in, wrapped in her dressing gown. "Are you alright? I thought I heard you being ill." She is beautiful, he thinks vaguely, even now that we're old.

He swallows and takes a moment to compose himself. "Yes, I was ill. The salmon at dinner didn't agree with me, I believe."

She nods slowly. "I'll have a word with the cook tomorrow." She looks at him for a long moment. "Please come to bed soon. I'll send the maid down to clean up." With a sad sort of smile, Liesl leaves, closing the door behind her.

Quickly, as one would pull the dressing from a wound, Hanschen signs the papers and slides them into a folder. He will take them into the office tomorrow to be processed. He leaves the study and joins his wife in their bedroom.

He knows in his heart, he is a murderer.

_I could never rescue you_

_All you ever wanted_

_But I could never rescue you_

_No matter how I tried_

_All I could do was love you hard_

_And let you go..._

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